Sweet Sorrow

It’s raining here today. It’s been raining since I woke up this morning and I cannot help but make the parallel to the condition of my spirit. I cannot help but think this rainy day is for me, it’s my tears for leaving this country, and it’s my sadness for saying goodbye. But rain is beautiful, it’s refreshing, it’s nourishing to the soil, and at some point, it stops. So, today I’m crying, but I know it’s good, that the soil of my heart is being nourished and refreshed, and soon sunshine will come and wipe away the rain. So, I’m going to cry for now and look forward to the sun because God knows I need it or I’ll lose myself in sadness.
This was my last week here, I leave tomorrow to go back to America, land of the free, land of riches and opportunity, and land of hope, as many Ugandans would say. I’ve spent my last week spending as much time as possible with the women of Suubi. Today, my last day, I will visit about 3 more women, I love spending time with them!!! In these moments, I’m fueling what my heart was made for and truly humbled that God has allowed my life to proceed in such a way as to be here in Africa with these people, serving in the name of God and loving every second of it!!!!
Yesterday was my last Suubi Sunday (the actual day of buying necklaces from the women) and I was able to give a kilo of beans to each woman, with the help of Mom and sister Kelly!!!! They were so excited, they said one kilo can feed their whole family and sometimes they can have it for two meals.
The women were so sweet and thoughtful, Daisy got up and said they all had a gift for me and, as you can see, I’m wearing it in the first picture. When I had visited Molly, she told me she had a sister just my size that she needed to make an outfit for so would I mind if she took my measurements? So, of course I let her, she’s so sneaky. I think she did a pretty good job on the outfit. This is what the women wear here with head wraps and all. So, once I received it, they insisted I put it on and obviously I did, then they came up one by one and said there goodbyes and gave me jewelry they had made. Then, a couple women got up to say some public goodbyes and I had been fine this whole time until Santa got up, then I started crying. Here in Uganda, crying is not seen like it is in America. When they saw me cry, they kept saying, “Rachel don’t cry, don’t cry.” But Gertrude got up and said “feel free to cry, we know you cry because you have such a relationship with us that it is really hard to leave us behind and so in this case, it is okay to cry.” I think she more so said this to explain to all the others why I was crying. Then shortly after that, they all started singing and dancing (probably just so I would stop crying). It was so fun to see them dancing and singing farewell and, of course, I had to join in!
It was really hard saying goodbye to them, I am with at least one of them everyday and have been for the past 3 months and saying goodbye is not like, “goodbye, I will call you when I get home and next time you can come stay at my place,” or “I’ll be back really soon, call me next week.” Saying goodbye here is more like “goodbye, I won’t see you until God finds a way for both my husband and I to get here, and I probably won’t have great communication with you because of distance and expense.” So goodbyes are much harder than they are if you were saying goodbye to grandma who lives 4 states over from you.
I will miss Jinja, all of Uganda and all of the people more than my heart even knows right now. This country and these people have been a huge part of my life and learning, even for just the 3 months I was here. What an amazing time this has been for me, the things I’ve experienced here are not available to most people. I’m forever grateful to God for these last 3 months that have forever changed my heart and my life. The things I’ve learned here are more valuable than gold, more precious than silver. I’m a different person having lived here and I never want to be the same again.
“OH LORD, YOU ARE MY GOD; I WILL EXALT YOU AND PRAISE YOUR NAME, FOR IN PERFECT FAITHFULNESS, YOU HAVE DONE MARVELOUS THINGS, THINGS PLANNED LONG AGO.” *Isa.25:1

Blood, Sweat and Tears

What an eventful African week this has been for me. I went to Freda’s garden to help her dig on Wednesday. It was very hard work, they take hoes out to their farmland where they grow corn, sweet potatoes, kasava, beans, and sugar cane, and more. As Freda, her daughter Trinity, and I walked with our tools to the garden, there were many people who had to laugh at me because I was the first white person they’d seen heading out to the garden to dig. Almost everyone we passed had to laugh and make a comment about it. So then basically once at the garden, we just used the hoes to dig up grass and weeds that had grown around the produce. Freda was so sweet because I was having the hardest time distinguishing the weeds from the produce and I’m sure I dug up a lot of her good plants thinking they were weeds. We did not dig for the full 4-5 hours they normally dig because Freda’s daughter had malaria and she needed to get her medication. It was good for me because after an hour and a half my back was really feeling it….these African women are so strong.
After digging, I found out one of our friends, Morgan, had gone into labor. So, I rushed over to the hospital to meet one of my roommates, Renee because she was already there. Within two hours I had seen a full birth from start to finish. Unfortunately, it was a pretty gruesome birth because there was a lot of cutting, blood, crying and horrible smells and even more things I will spare from this blog. No pain medication, no epidurals or anything like that here, so poor Morgan was and is in a lot of pain. I apparently cannot handle blood and birthing very well because I was blacking out and having to sit down the entire time. I would’ve hit the floor hard if Renee hadn’t been there to help me as I started getting dizzy. I had really been hoping that I’d be able to see a baby born here, so I’m thankful for that, but I definitely think it will be the first and last one for my lifetime.
So, the rest of the week has been trying to fit in as many visits to the Suubi women as possible. I’m hoping to see all of them before I leave, but that may not be very realistic. Renee and I have been trying to see about 5 or 6 ladies a day, it’s been really fun so far, I’m so in love with all of them, they each have such great personalities and all so different from the next.
Finally, yesterday we went to the hospital to hand out some food to the pregnancy ward and the accident ward, it’s always a little hard for me to do this mainly because I’m always wishing I could do more than just give them a snack. That’s been a big struggle here all around actually, just wishing you could help everyone and help everyone more than you are capable. I’m thankful for the experiences God has given me here, I’m learning everyday and seeing new things all the time. I can’t wait for tomorrow!!!

Cultural Time

I ate lunch with my friends Diana and Rita this week. They own a craft shop here and are doing pretty well compared to most people here. These are the women that I was told to seek out by my friend Sam at Church back in Oklahoma. They are really so much fun to converse with and are very personable. Every time I see them we end up dancing for someone that comes in the shop. They taught me like 2 moves and say I can dance like a Ugandan now, but I’m really not good at all. Anyways, it wound up being a whole afternoon with them because eating is a long, relaxed ordeal with Ugandans, which I love. If I were to go to a friend’s workplace in America for lunch, it would be 30 min. at a drive-thru and then we’d have to go our separate ways. I’m getting pretty used to taking my time doing everything here, it was really hard at first because in America I am/was very scheduled, on time, and always in a hurry. When I got here, it felt very weird taking hours to do things that in America would only a short time. I’m enjoying taking my time now and am anticipating a little frustration going back to the fast-paced American culture.
Something that I’ve wondered about frequently here is whether or not people here take time to reflect, process, and deal with life but I’m beginning to think that maybe they do all of those things the moment they occur. Perhaps they process at the time something happens, maybe they deal with life when it comes, and maybe reflection is less common because they are so present in the moment. I have noticed here that when people die, they deal with it right then and there. They wail and mourn and scream all day long when there’s a death and they take a few weeks off to mourn with others, do a burial and be with family. I’ve also noticed that when I ask people about things like death or severe struggles, they are somewhat detached from emotion. Maybe this is because they are numb to the situation, or maybe it’s because they deal with the struggle/death when it happens, they mourn so fully, deeply and completely that they are soon able to talk about without falling to pieces. So, is this maybe why I rarely see people depressed here, is this maybe why joy is the main word to describe Ugandan people? I’m not sure at all actually, I’m processing and thinking through words, but perhaps how they deal with pain and suffering is to be noted and learned. So many Americans are depressed and going through counseling for problems they haven’t dealt with since childhood or a very long time, rarely do we take time to reflect and process. Would the word for our culture be joy if we were to learn from cultures such as these? I’m not saying Uganda has it all figured out or that they deal with things in the healthiest of ways, because this is all speculation here, but I definitely thing we have a lot to learn from them and we definitely do not have it figured out. It’s ironic because early on in my trip I felt sad that they could talk about their struggles with no emotion, and maybe they are indeed numb to them, but I also don’t want to assume this because perhaps they are unemotional because death and struggling are a part of life and they deal with that and realize God is always good. Would joy emanate and would we find ways to live life to the fullest despite the crap that’s shoveled our way if we could learn from that idea? Something to “reflect” on perhaps.
All that said, it’s been really fun seeing the progression every week at Mesese, the village we go to on Fridays to pass out food and juice. A couple volunteers from an orphanage here started up this now tradition on Fridays and I’ve always enjoyed tagging along to help them out and to see all the children in Mesese. When I first started going to help, it was one of the first few times they had gone and it was near….no complete chaos. The children would fall over each other trying to get to the front of the line, they would push and shove, they would get in fights, and someone would always end up crying. Now it’s been about 3 months of consistently showing up on Fridays to pass out food and juice and they have come along way. The picture here shows how nicely they are lining up now, which is a miracle in and of itself. We have some adults that help control the children now, the kids even got quiet enough for us to pray before they were served their lunch. Last week, we had no fights and no one pushing each other over to get to the front of the line. I think everyone has realized that we bring enough food for everyone each week and they will soon get it if they wait in line, whereas in the beginning it was like survival of the fittest and no one would cooperate. When we showed up last week, the children were already in two lines (one for bigger kids and one for smaller kids), it was so neat to see how far they had come from the pushing and shoving chaos of 3 months ago to the nice and respectful orderliness of this week. It’s made it a lot more enjoyable and for the kids and us.

if it's true and you believe it.....well,then, do it!!!!

First of all, Mom, Happy Mother’s Day and to all the other mothers I know and love! Thanks for putting you life, heart and soul into your children!
This week Court and I hung out a lot with a few of the Suubi women. We went to Freda’s house the other day and Christine was there with her. We just hung out with them until it got dark enough that we had to start walking home. Freda knows a lot more English than she lets on to know. At the Suubi meetings and at English class, she doesn’t talk very much and so I just assumed she didn’t know. However, when we went to hang out with her at her home, she talked a bunch and knew enough to have conversation with us the whole time. Her children did a song and dance for us, it was really sweet, Freda sat back with the proudest look on her face and a big grin, she was showing off her children and we were loving it!
Another day we went to Getu’s house and helped her wash dishes and clothes. She is not fully capable of doing all of that right now because her foot is still swollen and paining her from about 7 weeks ago when she stepped on a nail. People would pass us and start laughing because they were not used to seeing white people doing work like that here in Uganda. Then, right before they would pass us, they’d say, “well done, mzungu.” I admit, I felt a little pride after hearing that!
Yesterday we were with Santa (another Suubi woman) most of the day. We made necklaces with her for a while and then she fed us a great lunch. She made us goat, posho, cabbage, potatoes, noodles, g’nuts (short for ground nuts which are peanuts), and tea. After we had a bunch of food, there was still a lot left over and Santa was disappointed that we didn’t eat it all, she said we ate too little and we were going to starve. They eat about 3 or 4 servings of food at each meal, it’s unbelievable. We did the dishes for her and then just hung out with her and the village children that were around at the time. Again, we got to see a group of girls sing and dance for us… so, so cute.
This week was just full of hanging out with the women and the children, we had so much fun!
Oh, and Court leaves early tomorrow morning, so I will be 3 weeks without her which is going to be sad. Courtney has been a great person to be volunteering with here and I will miss her so much. It will be a little challenging without her around all the time, but I am trusting that God has me here for a little while longer for a purpose and I’m excited to see what He has in store!
We also painted our marks as volunteers in the back room of the Suubi building. I wanted to put a lot of thought into it because I knew all the Suubi women would be seeing it along with a bunch more volunteers. I started out by just doing the background and then had to put the brushes down and come back another day to figure out what I wanted my picture/mark to mean. So, I began to think of the overall theme that I’ve been seeing here and hearing from God. I couldn’t help but think of meeting practical needs and being Jesus to these people. Walking these streets as He would and providing for the needy and hungry as He would. So, one morning I read in I John. This is where I found the meaning for my volunteer mark. “But if anyone obeys His word, God’s love is truly made complete in him.” (I Jn 2:5) and “If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in His presence.” (I Jn 3:17-18). So, the jist is that we can read the Bible all day long and believe that we are commanded to help the poor, feed the hungry, clothe the naked..etc, but it’s not enough to believe because if we truly have God’s love in our heart, then we would “love with actions and in truth” and put our belief to work. All my life I’ve believed these words but in order for God’s love to be made complete in me, I’ve got to show His love, really show it and not just in “words or tongue.” True, you have to look a bit harder to see the needy in America because we don’t admit our needs and poverty is not as prevalent, but that does not change the relevance of the scriptures and what God calls us to do. So, my mark on the wall is a bunch of colors thrown on the wall, not at all good artwork, but the words “let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth” are painted on top of the colorful mess are the best portrait of why I am here in Uganda with these women of the Suubi project.

Confessions and Refreshments

I'm going to admit that at this stage in the game, I've been really missing home, my husband, my sister, my family and friends. I've been missing the people that truly know me. So, I've been praying that God would renew my strength and renew my heart for being here. As God is so faithful, He has done that very thing (ask and you shall receive!!!).
Saturday, Courtney and I had plans to go to a couple of the Suubi women's homes and help them to their daily work, but both of them ended up not being at home for whatever reason. So, our plans were scratched and we had nothing on the schedule for the day. We decided to take a long walk to Masese (I finally saw a sign that spelled the name of that village). We took a couple kites and some bubbles (thanks to Dave) and looked for a place that was an open area and began to fly the kites and blow the bubbles. Children began coming to see what the Mozungu's were up to and pretty soon there were about 30 children we were playing with. As long as we had bubbles and the stamina to stay, those children would be entertained forever. No going inside to watch cartoons, no playing their gameboys, no snack time...nope, their entire day could've been with us and the kites and bubbles if we would've stayed that long. I saw them and was retaught in that moment why Jesus wants us to be like children who play and come freely. I was renewed in my spirit in that moment. When we left, about 4 or 5 boys followed us for about 20-30 minutes and just walked behind us singing songs and in that moment I was humbled. I had become a little annoyed with the children because they constantly point and yell "mozungu" and I got to the point where I was not even acknowledging them as I passed. God showed me there that these children are joyful and get excitement in seeing new things, in seeing different people, that children are simply excited and easily so....this is something I need to learn from them.
I'm afraid this blog is turning to be somewhat of a confession for me. I'm humiliated to admit that I have been ignoring God's prompting for me to prayer-walk through Walukuba and Daneeda ever since I got here. Yesterday God clearly called me out and told me to stop ignoring Him and go. So, off I went to the villages to simply walk through it and pray for the people and the women of suubi as I went. I cannot tell you the huge things God did in my heart just on the walk over there. Even in my delayed obedience, God was faithful and blessed my heart. My eyes saw people as I passed in a whole new perspective. My heart overflowed with new compassion and awe in the beauty of everyone I passed. When I reached Walukuba, Christine, a Suubi woman, called after me and said, "Rachel, come you are welcome, come, come." So I came into her home and she asked, "What are you doing alone walking here?" I told her and she begged me to pray for her, so we prayed together and as I left, Florence, another Suubi woman, called me over and wanted me to pray with her as well. I prayed that God would take their worries away, that He would give them ideas for the future, that He would renew their strength and reward their hard work with financial blessings, that anxiety would be no longer a part of their lives and that complete trust in God would overtake them. This was basically my prayer as I walked through the two villages that morning and what I will continue to pray for them. In Daneeda I met up with Carol and was able to pray with her as well, she is such a sweet spirit and her very presence teaches me patience and understanding. I will say that after that walk, God had fully renewed and refreshed me and my purpose here. No wonder He had been nudging me to go, I'm so foolish to have ignored it for so long, but am thankful that God was still faithful in teaching me things despite my stubbornness.
Later that day was the Suubi meeting. This story breaks my heart actually. One of the women named Joyce, lost her little girl last week, it was a sudden death and they do not know why she died. However, it was wonderful to see the community came around her to comfort her and provide meals. A lot of people pulled together to give a couple thousand shillings each and reached a total of 160,000 shillings which is around $100, which is a whole heck of a lot for a person to have here. Well, we learned at the Suubi meeting that someone had stolen all that money from her. Joyce was in tears at Suubi yesterday and all of our hearts were breaking for her. Who could steel from a mother who just lost her child? So, the Suubi women have all come together once again and are each donating a certain amount to at least raise a little money for her. I'm once again amazed at these women and their immediate reaction to give in a circumstance like this. These women cannot afford to give, but they give anyhow, it's so humbling to see them give to Joyce even though they are having trouble paying for their own meals and children's school fees. These women are to be admired and I pray God blesses them in return for their giving hearts. I'm learning from them more and more each day that I'm here.

Going North

This week we had some people from Sudan stay with us, they are volunteers at an orphanage in southern Sudan and came through Jinja to visit and do some fun stuff like bungee jumping and rafting. There were three of them, two guys and one girl. It was refreshing to have them around because they are really theological, philosophical and passionate. We stayed up late with them talking and debating, which I loved because stuff like that gets me motivated and fired up. They were really great guests too, they definitely emulated Christ in their service because they cleaned our kitchen, they cooked us dinner and when they left they gave us a bunch of groceries to replenish anything they had used. I had never had better and/or more thoughtful guests. The second night they were there, they invited two twin boys over for dinner, whom they had met rafting earlier that day. The twins were from Israel and had saved up for a year to come to Africa to travel together. They will have traveled for almost a year when they are finished. They are going to several different countries within Africa with no schedule and no contacts wherever they reach. So, they just make friends wherever they go and always end up having a place to stay. It’s actually really neat to see how they were living their lives with such spontaneity and trust, not in the Lord because they are atheists, but I know it was God’s plan to bring them into a home full of believers for an evening. I must say that I admire how they are living, I would love to say that I could travel like that, but I think I’m too much of a coward.
Anyways, after they left, Courtney and I headed up to Gulu and Kitgum up in northern Uganda. This is where the majority of the Suubi women lived before the Rebels came. It was good to see their homeland and see how they used to do life before they were forced to flee south. Their villages are beautiful up there, so peaceful, so green, and so simple.
We were able to see one of the several IDP camps, which are camp areas that were formed by the government to protect the village people from the Rebels. There had been a mass flood of people leaving their homes and going into town to seek safety, but this caused a lot of chaos so the government arranged camps for them to stay at while the Rebels were a threat. They built thousands of mud huts very close together as a refuge for the northerners. However, this was not always a safe haven, because the Rebels still came at night and burned the huts, killed people, and abducted children. The fires spread really fast because the roofs are made of grass and the huts are so close together that even a slight breeze would cause the flames to jump to the neighboring hut. It was so sad to be there and imagine all the horror that had gone on even just two years ago. Right next to several of the huts were graves of family members that had been burned to death or mudered.
We met a really old man that had been in the IDP camp since the Rebels began their attacks 22 years ago. He was running from the Rebels with some of his family and friends and fell into a ditch dislocating his hip. He could not move, but he was hidden from the Rebels in that ditch while his friends and family were killed. He has been crippled ever since then and expressed the struggles of trying to get food being a crippled man. He was still quick to smile, however, he was very kind and gentle and exuded the wisdom and life experience only really old men can.
The next day, in Kitgum, we went around the village meeting people and seeing all that was around. We ate food that was prepared by a friend of a friend, they had cooked us peas, greens (I think it was spinach), and sogum, which is a plant they grind up really finely and make into a solid paste-like substance. It wasn’t until after we ate it all that we were warned of some major digestive problems from the sorgum (thanks for the prewarn huh?)
Later that night, a girl named Scovia took us to the only store in town, they gave us sodas (we had three each and felt like our stomachs might pop right then and there). They were very kind and very friendly, perhaps a little too much whiskey for some of them. They make their own alcohol in the villages and it smells like trash, poop, and sour beer all rolled into one. I almost vomit every time I smell it. Anyways, I whipped out my camcorder (thanks again Kelly and Willie!), and got them all to get up and dance for a while, it was the highlight of the trip to Gulu. We had fun that night!
We slept in Scovia’s hut with a gagillion spiders and perhaps some mice or rats, we heard something scuttling around, but it was pitch black and we couldn’t see a thing. We were wide-awake because of our 3 sodas and so we talked for a while and laughed about some of the strange things we had experienced on our trip. As we were talking, we heard a pig making noise outside the hut. We just laid there and listened as it was oinking, but then it started to scream, then it screamed even louder, by this time I was freaking out thinking perhaps a bigger animal was devouring it right outside our hut and we were going to be the next course. After what seemed like a couple minutes of screaming, we heard gargling and bubbly noises, like it was choking on it’s own blood or something (okay I’m sorry….I’m getting way too graphic). So, then the screaming stopped and we just laid there in complete silence, then started laughing hysterically, mostly comic relief I’m sure. Eventually we fell asleep, quite the miracle so thanks for that God! The next morning we asked Scovia what had happened and apparently one of the village people had slaughtered the pig, and yes, it was right outside our hut…. someone had a serious craving for a midnight snack.
So, then that morning we headed back to Jinja, a 12 hour bus ride with no pit stops. Court and I had to prepare our bodies by not eating or drinking anything until we got home. There are no bathrooms on the buses here like there are in America and no one is going to stop the bus for a mozungu to do her business. So, the bus was quite crammed, hot & dirty, and a girl puked next to us (she failed to puke out the window which was beyond me), which made Court and I want to puke, along with the sweaty smell of everyone else around us, including ourselves because we had not showered for the fourth day in a row. Also, three hours into the trip I had to go to the bathroom, but held it for the remainder of the trip, that’s 8 hours, I didn’t know my body was capable of such things, I was miserable but halfway impressed with myself. Anyways, we finally reached Jinja and headed straight for the showers and then the kitchen, a good end to a crazy time in up north.

schmorgisboard (can anyone really spell that word?)

There is one thing that’s been gnawing on me since I’ve been here (other than the fact I miss Randy like nuts), I suppose I’ll not keep it back… the good the bad and the ugly huh? So, lately I’ve felt a little taken advantage of because of the color of my skin. It’s crazy here in that respect because people assume that because you’re white, it means you have lots of money. So, when you go to the market to buy food or when you want to buy anything, you are automatically charged a higher price than if you were Ugandan because they assume you will pay more. Just today, for instance, we went to the source of the Nile and the gatekeeper told us that it would be 1000 shillings for Betty to enter and 5000 shillings for each of us white people. I was really mad actually, I felt like I was being taken advantage of and that I was forced into a stereotype I had not been a part of creating. There is so much more to that sentence than I even know. Ugandans assume that I am lazy and can't walk to town, they expect me to take a pikki or bota (bike) everywhere I go. We try to help them with their work and they laugh at us, literally. Who has come before me and shown these Ugandans that Americans cannot get down and dirty, that they cannot walk where they go, that they don't serve the poor, but instead give them money, that they are weak and lazy? Hmmm...as Dave would say, I think that says more about me than it does about them. I could expand so much more on this, but I’ll refrain.
Anyways, Betty was great because she talked sympathetically with the gatekeeper in his native language and got our prices down to 2500 each, which is half what he had originally asked us to pay.
Once we were in, however, it was beautiful and we had so much fun. There were children dancing for donations, they were really cute and so talented. There were shops all around and the view was amazing.
Yesterday was a good experience because we were able to help Clair, one of the women of Suubi, do her daily chores so she could sleep. Clair works all through the night at an orphanage and then cooks, cleans, and rolls beads all during the day. She has no time to sleep so she goes without sleeping for many days. So, yesterday we helped her get all of her stuff done before noon so she could sleep the rest of the day until she had to go to work. She was so shocked and appreciative and we all had so much fun working beside her and her children.
Then, later that day we did an art project with some of the Suubi women’s children. There were 17 altogether and they all showed up at the Suubi building in Daneeda where we had canvas’ for them, paint and brushes. We mixed the colors for them and they went to town painting their homes, their favorite places in Africa, and whatever else they wanted. We were all super impressed with their skills, I was put to shame that’s for sure.
A few days ago Court and I went to a town close by to visit a woman named Sylvia. Her husband died a year ago and he was good friends with Patrick, our night guard, which is how we found out about Sylvia. She is living with her mother, two sisters and her two children in a one room house. For money, she simply makes more food than needed for her and the 5 others and sells it to her neighbors. This is her only source of income, so she has a hard time getting food, much less anything else. Both of her kids are not in school because she cannot afford that either. We visited her because our hearts broke for her and we wanted to see how we could help. Patrick told us of her need and said if we had money, he would rather it go to her than to him, even though he struggles as well (the poor help the poor very well over here). We found out it’s only $36 for both of her kids to attend school for one term, so that should be an easy fix. However, her hardships were written all over her face, her entire demeanor was solemn and she seemed really depressed. Most Ugandans have endured more than any of us dare to imagine, yet they still greet you with a smile and exude boundless joy. With Sylvia, however, you could tell her joy had been suffocated by her trials. Court and I had never met a Ugandan so sad and visibly broken. We had actually just been talking about how people here are never depressed and then we met Sylvia. I pray that she finds joy again and that God fills her up with hope. It’s hard to see her live like she does knowing I will go home to sleep in nice room in a house with a kitchen and a living room and electricity and food in the cupboards. My heart wants to help everyone but I’m not capable of that so I’m trying to help the few, help them well and love them as much as possible (a little advice I got from the book I just read, Irresistible Revolution, words from Mother Teresa I believe).
Last night I couldn’t sleep because I was thinking about how I could change my life once I return to the States and how incredibly hard it’s going to be because I’ll be going back to the American culture and everyone there who are used to living the American culture. Not to knock on the American culture, but I truly feel that growing up there, I was blinded from a lot of reality that Jesus wishes us Americans would grasp. My heart believes I’m capable of living how Jesus has been teaching me to live here, but I doubt myself, I fear myself actually. I am fearful that I will get back and continue back in my normal routine. I hate that this is even a possibility for me, I need to be reminded of what God is doing in my heart here, even after I return. Okay, I’m going to stop blogging about returning to America because I still have quite a bit of time here and I want to soak it up. God is good and He has always been so faithful. I am trying to trust that what He is doing in my heart, He is trusting me with, hmmm…. He is changing my heart and trusting me that I obey and follow Him in those changes. Honoring and yet very scary!